I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
