If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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