Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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