i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
