Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
