Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
we should paint friendship bongs
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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