I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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