i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
