Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
