so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
