I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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