I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
