Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
