maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
