it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
