My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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