i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
