Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
