lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
