who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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