i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
