someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Let's paint friendship bongs
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
