just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
