if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
