Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
