new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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