I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
