grandma shit on top of the toilet
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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