im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
