I'm really into asian looking animals
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
