I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
