You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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