Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
