So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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