I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
