Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
