One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
