the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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