i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
