Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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