Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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