Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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