my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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