her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
