evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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