Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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