How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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