1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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