my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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