Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
